A Puzzle Left Unfinished . . . .

I mentioned this last week; but it's continuing to weigh on my mind. My Dad used to love to do jigsaw puzzles, and this is the one he was working on when he died. My father's life; a puzzle left unfinished.

It's not like we were particularly close or anything. I think we liked each other generally, but we were both disappointed by each other at different parts of our lives. I was never the sports star he wanted me to be, and he was never quite the father I wanted and wished for.

And then as we're clearing the apartment, I find a "U.S. Army" ballcap in his bedroom that was obviously worn a lot. It's a small tribute to my sister and I as Army veterans, and I don't know how to feel about that. (Dad was Air Force.) It must have taken some effort to find that ballcap -- Southern Iowa wasn't a hotbed of military stores.

Yet he wore that cap frequently. Something else I didn't know about my father.

I didn't even know he had been sick until I talked to my mom in August. I'd tried to call him several times and he didn't pick up. Probably didn't want to worry me; or just didn't want to be seen like that, maybe. Who wants to be remembered weak, in pain, and wearing a diaper? Yet he really seemed happy to see us, especially his grandson Julian.

That may have been the happiest I ever saw him, actually. Who wants to be alone at the end, anyway?

A lot of things left unsaid, though, and just because that's the kind of man he was. Those are the things that still bother me, though, because that's the kind of man I am.

Things left unsaid. Puzzles left undone.

I hugged my son tonight.

~~JD~~